Voldemort and the Common Cold
by veld
Summary: I decided to write this lil fanfic during my cold. After all, I’m not the only one who has to suffer! MAWHAHAHA! (cough) (sneeze) - COMPLETE! :D Yay!
1. Stupid Cold

**Voldemort**** and the common cold**

I decided to write this lil fanfic during my cold. After all, I'm not the only one who has to suffer! :D Mawhahah. *cough* *sneeze* X_x;

"_ACHOO!!_" spat Voldemort. He accidentally sneezed on Nagini, his loving pet snake.

"Gahss! Why didsss you do sthat?" hissed Nagini, (yeah, only Voldemort could hear that because of parsal-tongue abilities.)

"Sorry Nagini," replied Voldemort. Nagini slithered away.

"Master, are you okay?" asked Wormtail.

"Yes, Wormtail, I'm alright. Now go away," said Voldemort. Wormtail walked away.

Voldemort stared into the fireplace. He was sitting on a couch. The den that he was in was mostly dark excluding the bright burning fire. A lot of the objects in the den were silver, green or black, just like the slytherin colors. The only thing that was white was the stones decorated on the fireplace. The –

_ACHOO!! ACHOO!! (COUGH!!)_ Voldemort once again blurted out the symptoms of the common cold.

"Wormtail… I'm - (_COUGH!_) – I'm not feeling like my self," he moaned loudly. No one answered; maybe Voldemort didn't speak loudly enough, but he couldn't yell, something was bothering his throat.

He wondered to himself if this had something to do with *magical, biological warfare or just a common cold. Anyway, he should do something about it.

He walked to the *Death Eater Lounge and see if any of his loyal death eaters can help him. There was only Bellatrix and Wormtail getting some hot cocoa. While Voldemort was there, he got some napkins and blew his nose on one.

"Bellatrix, Wormtail, I have a cold," said Voldemort. Bellatrix and Wormtail glanced at him.

"Umm… Perhaps hot tea or cocoa -" said Bellatrix, yet, interrupted.

_ACHOO!! ACHOO!! AAAA-CHOO!_ Voldemort continued his sneezing and grabbed more napkins.

"Umm… As I was saying, hot tea or cocoa, sir?" asked Bellatrix.

Voldemort sat at a table and replied, "Tea." He despised cocoa.

"Sir, I also think you should stay in bed. I'll give you the tea when it's ready," said Bellatrix.

"Okay, fine," moaned the Dark Lord. He walked to his bedroom.

"He's even more ugly when he's sick, huh?" asked Wormtail.

"I reckon so," replied Bellatrix.

~*~*~*~*~

Voldemort was in bed and getting impatient. "Dammit! Bellatrix! What's taking so – (_ACHOO!_) – long?"

"Coming master!" replied Bellatrix. She opened the door and got the tea on a silver tray. She placed the tray on the nightstand. "Wormtail and I are going to make a potion that'll rid of your problem."

"Good! It's getting worse, and it better not take too long!" snapped Voldemort.

"But sir, it'll take a few days," said Bellatrix.

"FEW DAYS?!? FEW DAYS?!? I don't have a FEW DAYS!!" shouted Voldemort. He started coughing.

"Sorry, but, that's how long it'll take, you should rest -"

"Rest?? But what about my evil plan to KILL Harry Potter?!?"

"I guess we'll have to do it another time -"

"NOO!!! I can't! I must do it tomorrow!"

"I beg your pardon sir but you're sick!!"

"I… DON'T… CAR -"

"SIR!! YOU CANNOT KILL HARRY POTTER IN THIS CONDITION, IT CAN WAIT AND YOU KNOW IT!!!" screamed Bellatrix.

Voldemort was appalled. '_Did Bellatrix just scream at me?? The Dark Lord??'_ he thought.

"Bella!"

"Don't give me that 'Bella' crap!! Drink your tea!"

The Death Eater walked out of the room. Voldemort was still appalled. Ten minutes later he drank his tea.

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Here are the things you probably didn't really know:

*Magical Biological Warfare: I made it up. :P

*The Death Eater Lounge: I made it up too, but they probably have something like this, right? O.o; Or maybe a kitchen?

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Veld, the author: Enjoyed it? I'm pretty sure I'll write another chapter soon. Review if you would like to and thanks for reading even though it's kind of pointless. :D


	2. Stupid Girl

**Voldemort**** and the common cold**

Chapter Two

It was another morning. Voldemort was still in bed because, first of all, he wasn't a morning person and second, he had a cold, obviously. He didn't want to lay down for too long because his nose would get clogged up and his throat would eventually scream with pain. So, he just sat up and read a horror fiction book.

He couldn't believe that Bellatrix made him stay inside of his room. He would have put an unforgivable curse on her, but he failed earlier this morning.

(*Flashback*)

"Enjoyed your tea, sir?" asked Bellatrix, taking the tray from the nightstand.

"No… CRUC - *_ACHOO!_* – CO, - *_COUGH!_* – ugh… Dammit," moaned Voldemort. He accidently sneezed on his wand.

Bellatrix was confused and scared at the same time. Voldemort started blowing on some tissues while she slowly left the room.

(*End of Flashback*)

"Stupid girl…" he muttered, turning to the next page on his book.

~*~*~*~*~

"Wormtail, I think we should stop making the potion," said Bellatrix.

"Why?" asked Wormtail.

"A while ago you-know-who tried to put an unforgivable curse on me."

"He did?"

"Yes. I guess he was mad at me for yelling at him last night."

Wormtail started to drink his coffee again, "Well, you shouldn't have done that."

Bellatrix gave out a silent-like snort, "Well, he was yelling at me."

"Bella, you swore to respect your master."

"I _was _trying to respect his health! He was moaning about killing Harry Potter when he's sick as a – well, I'm not sure what but he's sick!"

Wormtail thought a bit and said, "Well, if you're that worried about his health then we should continue the potion."

"Ugh, fine," muttered Bella.

~*~*~*~*~

It has been about 40 minutes since Wormtail's and Bellatrix's conversation. Voldemort was done with the book and started to get bored. He had a lot to do on his to-do list, (killing Potter, torturing Bella, etc.), but he couldn't do them. Bellatrix somehow locked the door from outside so Voldemort wouldn't get out and hunt her down. So he just sat there and thought about pointless thoughts.

However, five minutes later, he was sick of thinking about pointless thoughts and tried to find something else to do. _I'm starving,_ he thought.

"BELLA!!! – *_COUGH!_* – BELLATRIX!! I need something to EAT!! *_COUGH!!_*" shouted Voldemort. He didn't get any response.

He pointed his wand at his throat and said, "_Sonorus__!_" Now his voice was **ten times louder.**

**"BELLATRIX!!**** COME HERE!! I NEED SOME FOOD!!!!"** he yelled, ending with a few coughs. Afterwards, he dispelled the spell.

Bellatrix ran to the door and opened it. "Master! You nearly tore this house down!!" she snapped.

"I could use some soup, with crackers… *_Cough!_*" said Voldemort.

"Okay, I'll be right back," muttered Bella. She walked out of the room.

~*~*~*~*~

Bellatrix came back five minutes later with some soup and gave Voldemort some crackers to put in it.

"Bella, there's one thing I don't understand. It took you an hour to make the tea, -"

"Fifteen minutes," corrected Bellatrix.

"Well, okay, fifteen minutes, whatever, but it took you _five_ minutes to make SOUP?!?" said Voldemort. "Are you testing my patience Bella? It should've taken you longer to make soup!!"

"It was canned soup, sir," said Bellatrix.

"Canned?"

"Yes, _canned_, now if you would excuse -"

"You didn't bring muggle food into this building, did you??" snapped Voldemort.

Bellatrix backed away, "N-No, I wouldn't dare!"

"You're lying."

"Okay, okay, I did. How else do you expect us to get food? _Go straight into Diagon Alley??_"

"You could just ask Nacrissa or someone else Bella…"

Bellatrix was now silent.

"Also, if you DARE to bring muggle food into this building again I'LL SERIOUSLY KILL YOU!!!" shouted Voldemort, angerily.

The Death Eater ran out of the room, and Voldemort started coughing again.

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Veld, the author: Thanks for reading this again. Hope you enjoyed it. :D

P.S. If something doesn't seem right, blame my cold. Remember that these chapters are inspired by a real cold. :/


	3. The Black Potion of Doom

**Voldemort and the common cold**

Chapter Three

It has been another sunny day, and today was the day that supposedly was the day the potion would be done.

"Wormtail, hand me those rat tails, would you?" asked Bellatrix.

Wormtail and Bellatrix were in the lounge again. They were making the potion.

"Ekk… I'm just glad that's not _my _tail, you know," said Wormtail, giving Bellatrix a jar full of tails. Bellatrix took one out and cut it while Wormtail started to get sick. Sure, it wasn't his tail, but it was still kind of gross to him.

Bellatrix rolled her eyes, "Wormtail, you're human, get over it."

However, Wormtail couldn't take it much longer, so he went to the bathroom and… Well, you know. Bellatrix just rolled her eyes again and kept stirring the potion. After several minutes, Wormtail came back, feeling better.

"Hand me that root by the very top shelf," said Bella.

Wormtail got a stool and grabbed the jar of this strange type of root. He gave it to Bellatrix.

"Good, what does the book say again?" asked Bellatrix.

"We should let it heat for another five hours," Wormtail responded.

"Okay."

~*~*~*~*~

Five hours later, Bella went to the lounge to check on the potion. She yawned and observed it. It had a black color and smoke was only steaming from the middle of the culdron… That wasn't right… 

Wormtail came in with a sandwich and went to check on the potion too. As soon as he saw the strange, odd liquid, he dropped his sandwich which fell on the floor. Both Bella and Wormtail were shocked, appalled, and confused. What went wrong with the potion? Why was it steaming white smoke from only the middle?

"It's not supposed to be black!!" moaned Bellatrix.

"The Dark Lord is going to kill us," muttered Wormtail.

"What should we do??" said Bellatrix, now in panic, "You-know-who is will go insane if he finds out what we did!'

Wormtail sighed, "What can we do?"

"Well… Uh… Um… I don't know!!" panicked Bella.

"What's going on?" said a cold, dark voice. The Death Eaters looked at the entrance, and they saw the Dark Lord.

"Uh… Uh…" panicked Bella. She pointed at the potion, then at the wall, then she made a gesture with her hand that looked like she was about to choke. Afterwards she fainted on the floor.

Wormtail looked at Bella, then at the Dark Lord, then at Bella again, then at the Dark Lord again.

"Well? What the merlin is going on?" said Voldemort. He started coughing a bit.

"OH!! Well, um, sir, you should stay in bed," said Wormtail as he grabbed Voldemort's arm and went to the Dark Lord's room, "The potion will be done, it just needs a few more minutes. I suppose it's not exactly an hour yet."

Voldemort went to his bed again and Wormtail covered him with warm blankets.

"Wormtail, is there something wrong with the potion?" asked Voldemort.

"Uh, no… Nothing's wrong, honestly," said Wormtail.

"You're lying," said Voldemort, angrily.

"… Okay, there is something wrong," sighed Wormtail.

"I suppose you two didn't know what you were doing?"

"We followed the recipe in this book…"

"Oh! I'm sure you followed it right," said Voldemort sarcastically.

"Then five hours later it turned black."

"Black? Oh, my favorite potion *cough* color. What was it suppose to be?"

"A white sort of pink or peachy kind of color."

"That's sickening…"

"Uh, yeah, and, uh, I don't know what went wrong. We did everything correctly," said Wormtail.

Voldemort thought for a minute, "Can I see the book?"

"All right," said Wormtail. He walked out of the room, got the book from the lounge, and went back in Voldemort's room, five minutes later. Bellatrix woke up and came in too.

Voldemort looked at the page and looked at every single detail, "Ahh… I remember making this potion in school, very easy…" He closed the book. "Tell me how on earth you managed to ruin it."

Bellatrix and Wormtail looked at each other and looked at Voldemort again. "We're not sure sir," said Bellatrix.

"Oh well. I guess you two have to drink the potion then," said Voldemort.

"WHAT?!?" Bellatrix and Wormtail said in unision.

"Do you expect me to drink it? Besides, I wonder what it does," said Voldemort with an evil grin.

Bellatrix and Wormtail looked at each other.

"You go first," whispered Bella.

"What?!? No! I'm not going to drink that! The smoke was acting weird… We might die!" whispered Wormtail.

"Ahem!" shouted Voldemort.

"Oh… Right… Yeah…" muttered Bellatrix.

The two Death Eaters slowly walked out of the room. What would happen to them? They did not know…

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Veld, the author: Don't worry, I'll write more. :P Just let my hands type.


	4. Feathers and a Guest Coming Soon

**Voldemort**** and the common cold**

Chapter Four

Before the two Death Eaters got out of the room, Voldemort told them to make sure they drink the potion in front of him when they came back. He was hoping it was going to be funny or entertaining in a horrid way. The Death Eaters were in the lounge now, looking at the potion. Bellatrix poured some in a cup and poured some for Wormtail.

"You know, this is stupid, I think Voldemort should drink this," said Bellatrix.

Even though they both thought it was stupid to drink a messed up potion, they went back to Voldemort's room anyway. Voldemort sat in bed and watched them with an evil, evil smile. The two Death Eaters drank the potion.

"UGH!! This tastes horrible!" spat Bellatrix. Voldemort was already laughing.

Wormtail felt like going to the bathroom and throw – Well, that's enough information. He had his hand over his mouth.

"You can go Wormtail," said Voldemort. The Dark Lord laughed but then started coughing again. After he stopped coughing he realized that nothing happened to Bellatrix. She just stood there and winced because of the flavour.

"Aww, Bellatrix, it was only a messed up potion," said Voldemort sarcastically.

"Really, master? IT TASTED LIKE SOUR MILK WITH DIRT IN IT!!" shouted Bella. However, Voldemort started laughing evilly again.

Ten seconds later, Bellatrix sprouted black feathers from her butt. Voldemort laughed harder and fell off the bed.

~*~*~*~*~

"I'll have my revenge… HEAR ME?!?" shouted Bellatrix as she entered the Death Eater Lounge.

"I hear you," said Wormtail, getting the new wizard coffee. He sat at a table.

Ten seconds afterwards, the feathers grew longer. Bella tried to hide her anger. She sat next to Wormtail.

"Don't yell, it'll only make it worse," he said.

"It happened to you too?"

Wormtail showed the feathers, "I was cursing too loud in the bathroom."

Bella couldn't help but giggled.

~*~*~*~*~

It was another beautiful morning… Well, Voldemort thought it was hideous but oh well.

He sent an owl to Lucius last night, stating that he couldn't get rid of his cold with Bellatrix and Wormtail being idiots. The cold was getting worse in fact. He was waiting for a reply and hoping it would come this morning or as soon as possible. Suddenly, an owl was pecking at the window. Voldemort opened the window and the owl came in. He opened the letter that read:

Dark Lord,

You should really get a house elf. However, then again, I will send you a potion. I'll be there around two o'clock.

Best wishes,

Lucius Malfoy

_YES!! FINALLY, _thought Voldemort. He was so happy that he threw the letter behind his back and jumped up and down. However, he started coughing right after that. Then he sneezed, etc.

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Veld, the author: Two chapters in one day. O_O; Wow. Let me snoozle a bit now…


	5. A Very Strange Soup and Luci! :P

**Voldemort**** and the common cold**

Chapter Five

**Author's Note:** Sorry I've made no sense to you, the reader.

What do I mean? Well, I did make the characters unrealistic and I added very stupid, stupid, pointless things, didn't I? :P 

I'm sorry. *Points to her evil, evil, evil, dying cold.* *Takes a hammer that consists mostly of vitamin C and smashes it into tiny dying bits...*

I don't know if I can make realistic characters though… After all, Death Eaters seem to have only one thing in their mind and I can't find anything else: _evil._ What if they can't succeed their evil plans?

Remember, there's no plot. It's just that I want Voldemort to suffer from a cold. _That's all._ If you want to read a story with a plot and a purpose, click on Harry Potter on the top and search for Action/Adventure.

By the way, feel free to throw marshmallows at me or review with criticism. Compliments are also accepted. Thanks to preety-lady-serenity and Draugiks, plus everyone else who reviewed.

ANYWAY!! To the pointless, plot-less, weird STORY!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Voldemort was in bed again, staring at the clock that was on his nightstand. It has been a while after the owl. It wasn't two o'clock yet though. '_One-thirty, come on… I'm growing impatient!'_ Voldemort thought to himself. He grabbed a napkin and sneezed on it. Suddenly, Bellatrix came in.

"Good afternoon," said Bellatrix, holding a tray of non-muggle soup with crackers. However, little did Voldemort know, she was plotting something very evil, and unlike Voldemort's last plan, her plan was going to work.

"Afternoon," Voldemort said flatly and simply.

"Nacrissa sent this yesterday," said Bellatrix. She put the tray on Voldemort's nightstand.

"Good."

"Enjoy it, sir," said Bellatrix, who left and shut the door behind her.

Voldemort grabbed the tray and ate some of his soup. After one bite, his tongue burned with unbearable pain.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" he screamed.

He ran out of his bedroom, raced to the lounge, and got himself a cup of water. He kept on refilling the water again and again with a pitcher. Wormtail and Bellatrix stared at him. Soon the pitcher was empty, so Voldemort got an ice cube from the freezer and put it in his mouth. Surprisingly, the ice cube melted in a matter of seconds. He panicked as he got more ice cubes and put them in his mouth, one by one.

"Drink this," Bellatrix said, smiling evilly. She handed him a cup of clear, blue liquid. Unfortunately, Voldemort didn't notice how strange the liquid looked or tasted. At least his tongue stopped burning, but then a few pimples sprouted on his face. He didn't notice the pimples either.

"WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THAT SOUP?!?!" shouted Voldemort.

"Crackers?" said Bellatrix.

"What the hell was in the crackers?" snapped Voldmort.

"Umm… I don't know. Maybe the soup was just boiling hot," said Bellatrix.

"Oh, yeah, sure and -"

"Sir! Calm down. Go back to bed," Bella said.

"But… I could of sworn that the ice -"

"Sir, you must have been in shock or something. _Back to bed._"

Voldemort opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it. He left the lounge, giving up.

"Bella… You're insane," said Wormtail.

Bellatrix laughed, "I know I'm insane, and I love it!"

"What happened?" said a voice at the entrance of the lounge. Lucius Malfoy was there.

"Oh! Hello Luci, did you get the potion?"

There was a short silence, and then Lucius said, "Bella, if you call me Luci again, I'll kill you," with a serious tone.

"It was just a joke. Besides, everyone calls me 'Bella,' why can't I call you 'Luci'?"

"Maybe because… Oh, it sounds like a girl," said Lucius with a bit of sarcasm, "and yes, I did get the potion."

"Great! I'll give it to him!' said Bellatrix, now standing up.

"Hold it," snapped Lucius, "Wormtail will give it to him. After all, he seems to know what he's doing around here."

Wormtail nodded a bit and Lucius gave him the potion.

"Good bye," said Lucius. With that, he vanished.

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Veld: I think it just needs one more chapter. I already thought of a humorous (if it's going to be :P) ending. By the way, the reason why Bellatrix plotted against her master was revenge for the black feathers.

Yes, stupid, but oh well. I'm not going to leave my story unfinished. Stubborn me. Later…


	6. The Cold Dies, More Problems

Voldemort felt better. He drank the potion five minutes ago. He stopped sneezing and coughing, but he still sat in bed because he was tired. He was reading a spell book and reviewed some stuff.

The door opened.

"Sir?" asked Wormtail, "How are you feeling?"

"Tired. Yet, the cold died, and I'm feeling A LOT better than before. Tell Bella and Lucius to prepare for 'Operation Kill Harry,'" Voldemort said.

"Uh, sir…"

"What?"

"We can't."

"Why?"

"It's summer," said Wormtail as he closed the door.

"**_NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!_**" roared Voldemort.

He knew he couldn't attack Harry during the summer, due to strange magic that covered the home of the Dursleys. So he exploded with lots of anger. He threw the spell book at the door. He placed his head in a pillow and cursed loudly, (except for the fact that the pillow muffled the sound.) Then, after three minutes, he blasted everything in his sight with his wand. Afterwards, he lied on his bed, exhausted from the anger.

After everything was quiet and silent, Wormtail came in.

"Maybe you should've tried de-cafe," he said.

**The End**

_Or is it? :D *cackles*_

~*~*~*~*~

O_o;

Sorry it was short, but I couldn't think of anything else. I hope it was funny. Thanks for reading my fic. *Gives a bag of virtual marshmallows to everyone!*

For those who read the reviews, READ THEIR FANFICTION! :D

Have fun, good night, and drive safely! O_o;


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